The day the hummingbirds flew away

One of things that's brought the biggest joy to my family lately is the migration of the hummingbirds. Living in southeast Texas, the annual trek southward to Mexico for these beautiful, delicate birds runs right through our yards, our porches & right past our windows. At gma's, two feeders have ensured we'd have plenty to watch as twenty or more of these juveniles would attempt to crowd around seven small plastic yellow flowers & take in as much syrupy goodness as they could before continuing onward. But after they are done, after they have had their fill, migration is the natural process that follows.
Today, I noticed there were no hummingbirds when I got there. Gma & momma told me that there have been a few today but for the most part, they are gone.
Today, I also noticed something else. That breathtaking smile that has met me there in that room is getting weaker. Today, it was much more forced than it has been. As I sat on her bed, she took my hand & told me how tired she was, how much pain she's in, how the nausea never completely went away today. Her purpose here is nearing an end. She's had a full, joy filled, life and this is the natural process.
Every night it grows harder & harder to leave her side. Tonight was exceptionally hard. Bedtime routine went by without a single hitch. She was stronger than she had been all day. There was very little pain & no dry heaves for the first time in weeks. The five of us (gma, momma, daddy, Buster, and I) sat laughing & having a good time when suddenly the nausea came back & the dry heaves revisited. They didn't last as long but the after effect did.
I have to admit I was suffering from a little bit of jealousy as momma & she sat there holding hands while I just sat on the floor beside the bed. But just as if God himself had whispered in her ear, she tapped the bed with her free hand & I took hold for dear life. I laid my head on the bed, staring at that beautiful old, wrinkled hand that was squeezing mine just as it had when I was a little girl. I watched her mouth the words to the radio - Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace.
We sat there for what seemed like eternity, though I know it was only thirty minutes. A couple of times momma & I traded glances, both of us sure she was asleep but neither of us ready to let go. She was holding tightly to our hands as if she still needed us to be there with her. I found myself breathing the same pattern that she was & realized how quickly my lungs were gasping for air. Her mouth fell open like it always does when she's deep in sleep & her hands began to twitch. Still, neither of us was going to make the first move. She slowly opened her eyes & told us both to go, she would be ok & was ready to sleep now. Reluctantly we both conceded, kissed her on the cheek, hugged her one more time & told her we'd see her in the morning.
There's nothing about this process that's easy. Watching her suffer through nausea & pain on a daily basis is sometimes more than I can bare but everyday I am faced with the reality that this will too soon come to an end. Just like the hummingbirds that temporarily buzzed around her window until their purpose here was done, she too will make a migration of her own. She's just passing through. This is not her home & how selfish would I be to want her to stay one day longer than it took for her purpose to be fulfilled.

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.....a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

I want to laugh. I want to dance. And I will - WHILE I'm weeping & mourning because I'll always remember the night the hummingbirds flew away.

Love, dreams & the Aurora Borealis

I'm just a simple person. Simple hope. Simple dreams. Simple life. There's nothing that's extraordinary about me really. But there is this one dream I've had as long as I can remember. It is to see The Northern Lights.
I've always loved nature & star gazing. I can make all kinds of shapes with the stars. But those colors. They inspire such beauty & awe deep within me that I relish the day I might actually get to see them.
This year we celebrate 20 years of wedded, uh, togetherness. To tell you that all of those years together had been blissful would be a complete lie. I can tell you however that I love my husband more today than I did yesterday although not as much as I will tomorrow. When you get married at 21 & 18, you most certainly will make mistakes, you tend to be a little selfish & you will argue about the dumbest things. But, if you are committed to each other, you will grow up together & learn what to let go of, when to give in a little & how to love each other with a love that will endure the trials you face.
At the climax of those trials for us, my husband left for a few days to find a place where he felt safe. That place was with MY gma. Since that time they've had this unbreakable bond & she's loved him as one of her very own. She's been one of his most vocal cheerleaders, encouragers & prayer warriors. Countless times I've been woken up by her early morning phone to him just to say, "I love you & I'm praying for you today." Like the rest of us, she pulls him closer, hugs him tighter & reminds him of his eternal identity - Brian, never forget who you are. You are a child of The King.
When gma fell then, it came as no surprise as to where he wanted me to be - with her as he would hold the fort down at home. With a physically demanding job, he has come home after 10-12 hour days in the heat to be mom AND dad because he loves her that much. He loves my momma that much. He loves me that much. He's freely & without complaint given up not one week of vacation but two. Which brings us back to The Aurora......
His intent in scheduling his vacation last October was that we go & celebrate our 20th anniversary in Alaska this week because September is the beginning of Aurora season. He knew that has been my one dream, the one thing I've always wanted to do. Now though, because of circumstances beyond our control he knows that just isn't possible right now. He doesn't love me just enough to live my dreams with me, he loves me enough to hold onto my dreams ever so patiently as every night he holds me close, dries my tears & reminds me of what true love really is. Sacrifice.
Sacrifice comes naturally to no one. Who would tell their stay at home homeschooling wife - Sure, I have been in the heat all day, the house looks like a bomb went off in it & the kids are driving me nuts within the first 5 minutes of being home but I want you to go to your gma's every evening until after I've fed them, gotten them ready for the next day & put them in bed. I'll do the laundry & clean the kitchen. On my week of vacation I'll take the kids to their outside classes & run errands & pick up the groceries so that you can stay home & do something you enjoy. By the way, you look beautiful (with day old clothes on, my hair more in my face than in my pony tail & sweat soaking every inch of my body because I enjoy mowing the yard).....?!?!
The answer is not Prince Charming. He's someone much greater. He is my husband. And no matter what has come, he HAS ALWAYS loved me AND my family. I'm just now beginning to realize exactly how much.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church & gave himself for her....Ephesians 5:25

The well worn path of providence

There's a path from my house to gma's house. Of course, there's been one since she moved 12 years ago. But never has it seen so much foot traffic as it has the past 6 weeks. 6 weeks! Tomorrow marks 6 weeks since she fell. Tomorrow marks 6 weeks of all hands on deck, an increase in phone calls & texts & visits. Tomorrow marks 6 weeks of "One more day Lord. Please just one more day."
Brian was on vacation the week gma fell so my schedule was a lot freer than it would normally be with him playing the role of both mom & dad.
The kids & I installed our own "fairy lights" to mark the path only a few days after she fell. It wasn't stuff that we had to run out & purchase but rather some scrap poles & the solar lights we use for vacation. It's come in very handy for the evening ride home with daddy.
The fact that we homeschool has come in pretty handy too. We don't typically start until the Tuesday following Labor Day which meant, again, that my schedule was a little freer.
There's an exhaustion though that comes with care giving that can't be understood until you walk in those shoes. It goes beyond the mental & physical to the deep emotional & spiritual fiber of your being. You begin to feel detached from the rest of the world, consumed at all times by loving this person with all that you have in the precious moments you know you have left together. You begin to run empty, as if you have nothing left to give at times. My prayer as of late has become more along the lines of "One more moment Lord. Please just one more moment." Only this time, it's not just a prayer for gma but a prayer for my own strength as well. 
Gma's house is about a football field away yet when I step foot out the back gate, the journey looks & feels like it will never end. My thighs burn, my head pounds, my arms feel heavier than they've ever been before. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I sing. But all the time I pray. Then, just as my body feels it's about to give out, something miraculous happens. I reach the first landing of gma's back stairs & there is a renewed energy & strength just when I need it most. It's not my strength that carries me up the rest of the way in through that back door, ready to face the beautiful smile that awaits me laying in that hospital bed.
But perhaps, today I needed just a small reminder of God's providence. After a very emotional & tear filled day yesterday, I was woken up, unsurprised, by my friend, Mr Migraine. I took some medicine, kissed my family goodbye & put on Pandora.
One of my absolute favorite songs is "Give Me Jesus" by Jeremy Camp. I want nothing more when I leave this world than to be remembered for my love for him so that my children will say, "No matter what was going on, no matter what storms or trials came, my momma ALWAYS wanted nothing more than Jesus." In fact, they all four know that it IS to be sung at my funeral.
What was the first song that played? Yes. 

In the morning, when I rise.
In the morning, when I rise.
In the morning, when I rise.
Give me Jesus.

Of course the day went on and Gma was very fretful today. (That's completely normal when your daughter is in the hospital & you can't go to her though.) The manifestation of that fret is pain & nausea in an already feeble body. But as soon as we got her settled, as soon as the dry heaves were gone, as soon as the pain lightened up, & she closed her eyes & began to fall asleep, what did I hear coming from her radio?

When I am alone,
Oh when I am alone,
Oh when I am alone,
Give me Jesus.
(Tears)
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world.
Give me Jesus.

Immediately I knew. Providence. God provided a doctor for my aunt that loves her beyond a typical patient and would come see her late on a Saturday night. He provided safe travel home for my daddy & uncle. He provided this next week of a scheduled vacation for my husband last year in October. He provided a week of vacation when gma fell & lights for my nightly trip home & a flexible education schedule for my family & a big brother who makes football practice runs everyday. He provided me with the opportunity to sing this song, not once, but twice today. He continues to provide & fill us with that one more moment of strength that we, as a family, need during this time when we all feel broken, poured out & empty. It comes no sooner than he has laid out, but it NEVER comes too late.
With a renewed gratefulness & tears running down my face, I stood at gma's bedside, watched her place her hand on momma's knee & I sang the last verse.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Oh when I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

The afternoon my daughter taught me to Chasse

Girls are SO very different than boys. My poor Piggy ended up with the short end of the stick when it came to girl moms. I loathe shopping, I can't do hair, I know nothing about fashion, I never wear makeup or jewelry and I certainly can't dance. Most days I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with this pink bundle that was given to my care 9yrs ago. But she's always wanted to dance.
Enter Ms Stacey! Ms Stacey entered our lives at the perfect time. Although it was through soccer with our boys, she has become one of my closest friends, biggest prayer warriors & now my Piggy's awesome ballet teacher & encourager.
Last night when Pigs was trying to learn how to Chasse, she caught a glimpse of her daddy & I giggling in the mirror. Try explaining to a 9yrs old that you weren't laughing at her but at the movement her body was making & you'll quickly find there is very little difference. She was devastated. But God immediately gave Ms Stacey the words to say. I however am still devastated that my actions cut my precious mini so deeply. Still to the point of tears. How could I be so absent minded?
But because our children love us unconditionally, she's forgiven me. She's moved ahead & hopefully both of us have learned from this. Pigs has learned that there are going to be times when momma lets you down. There will be times when momma will come to you & beg for your forgiveness. There will be times when you have to forgive your own momma. And me? It is the reminder that I still have the ability to break a part of my own, tiny, independently beating heart through my careless actions BUT my children, all children, love more like God than we could ever give them credit. Their love for us is deep & real & eternally unconditional. Maybe THIS is what Jesus meant when he said to come to him like a little child. Thankfully because he's a much better parent than I'll ever be I'll never feel that devastation of being let down.

My mother's daughter

One of the greatest joys of my adult life is getting to spend every Saturday morning watching my momma sing. Yes, watching. It was something I didn't really appreciate as a little girl, and certainly not as a rotten teenager. I didn't understand when people would come up to her after church & tell her they loved watching her sing but now, I see it. The words that come out of her mouth don't simply resonate from her vocal chords but from every fiber of her being.
After two not so great days for grandma, there are a few things we've had to accept that tend to leave us with heavier hearts & longer faces. I had a conversation with my children this afternoon, with age appropriate information coupled with a plea for their help at home & the cry of my heart leaking through the surface. "I wish that we could remind time & catch grandma from falling. Oh how I wish that I could spare you guys from this pain." But pain is a part of life. It is, as C.S. Lewis' stepson reminded me in his intro to A Grief Observed, the part of life that reminds us what the cost of love really is. In this life, without pain, there is no true love.
As momma & I sat on grandma's couch this evening, we could hear the TV in her room. We had been talking when momma just stopped. Tears began to roll down her cheeks, escaping through her tightly shut eyelids. Then, as I do every Saturday morning, I watched her begin to sing.

No guilt in life, no fear in death.
This is the power of Christ in me.
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from his hand.
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

She opened her eyes. I had choked back the tears when she began talking, "I wish that I could take this pain from you guys. But (she began crying harder) I just can't." With tears streaming down my face, I looked at this amazing woman that God gave me, of all people, and was once again reminded of the gift that she not only is, but that she continues to give in the middle of her own grief. I put my hand on hers, "But momma, you're not supposed to."
So many memories & emotions came crashing down on me as I remembered the morning that Papaw died. We were supposed to go see him the night before but momma was so tired, so exhausted. I remember hearing the phone ring & knowing exactly what it meant. I remember stepping out my bedroom door to be met by my mother, who had just suffered the greatest loss of her life, in tears, begging me not to hate her. Begging me to forgive her for not going the night before. Here she was completely broken and yet still worried about saving me from pain.
I've never held that against her. Even as a selfish, self-centered 15yrs old, I just wanted my momma not to hurt but I couldn't stop her pain either. I can't now, even though I want to again. 
I guess I'm a little more like my momma than I give myself credit sometimes. I've often told people that she's like a little Jesus with skin on & that if I could even be a tenth of the woman that she is, I would be ok. As I sat there tonight with her, I realized that I am my mother's daughter. I wish more than anything that I could carry this load for her. I wish that I could take her pain away & tell her that it's going to be alright. But the truth is, I can't take her pain away anymore than she can take mine. Things aren't going to be all right, but they'll be exactly what God has for us. The same God that brought us to this place will stay here with us until he moves with us onward.
So as the days seemingly creep by too quickly, we will continue this dance. We will continue to look to our Comforter, our All in All. Because HERE in the power of Christ is where we will stand, hurting as deeply as we love, singing our hearts' cry.

Memories born in the unexpected moments

Before I begin, I feel the need to apologize. My writings as of late have been very emotional, very raw & probably very difficult to read. Thank you for taking the time to read them. I thought my blogs would help me prepare. I thought sharing my feelings & lessons gleamed from the day would somehow make it easier to say goodbye. That simply is not the case.
Today, the kids & I, along with my cousin & her kiddos, visited our other grandma. Yes, we share two grandmas. Momma & my aunt are sisters that married brothers. That fact might help to clarify the closeness of our family.
We had a wonderful visit! The kids played games & we talked. The kids visited with us a little but they also played together. We shared a couple of pizzas & some sodas. But as time crept closer to football practice, I found myself not wanting to leave.
Grandma P is also dealing with some significant health issues. Drs visits, tests & more tests on the horizon have us all a little uneasy. Gone are the days of a simple bandaid on a scraped knee with a tight hug to make the world seem right again. This is the downhill side of life although right now it seems more like a cruel slip & slide.
As I write, as I blog, there's generally a clarity I gain from the happenings of the day but that peace escapes me right now. You see, my sister (in law) has been on me to allow her to help with Grandma B's nightly routine. After three weeks of missing dinners with my family, I relented, though I didn't want to leave. I hung around & walked her through the menial tasks I do while momma is with grandma. She scowled at me a dozen or so times as I reached for this or that to help. When momma asked me to fill up the vaporizer, I told her I couldn't, that sister was in charge. I was only walking her through everything. (Sister is a hands on learner.)
Just as they were almost done, my kids called & needed me. They haven't called in three weeks & probably wouldn't have had sister not been there. I kissed grandma on the cheek & told her I'd see her tomorrow. I hugged sister & walked to the kitchen where momma was. When our eyes met, I could no longer hold back the tears. This was the feeling I've been dreading. This was the feeling of letting go. It wasn't that I feared they couldn't handle things. It wasn't that I didn't want to go home. It was that feeling again that I just didn't want to leave.
Momma called me after sister left & I wasn't much better. She told me that I'll never fully be ready to let go. No matter how much I talk myself up to it, no matter how much I loathe the pain & fatigue grandma feels every night, I will never be ready.
These moments, the ones that demand every emotional & physical fiber of my being at the end of a long day, they are the moments I will miss. I'm always treasure sharing pizza & washing grandma's styrofoam cups. But it wasn't until tonight that I realized how much I'll miss filling a stupid coffee pot or moving a heavy oxygen machine or laying a satin gown out on the bathroom counter or watching grandma's feet dance in her sleep. These are the moments that will forever a part of who I am. They will be my fondest of memories.

The summer that life appeared to stand still

It's funny how the longer circumstances linger, the more God will change our perspective if only we allow him to. This particular blog is one I've been mulling over pretty consistently for a couple of weeks. Now, I understand why. At first I thought the title "The summer that life stood still" would be what I'd go with but now that I'm actually writing it, my entire perspective has changed.
As you may know, my family compounds. There's the mom & dad compound in Willis with Jeff, grandma, & my family. We all live on conjoining properties - thank you Venezuelan family who moved at the exact time Brian & I were looking for a house! (Side note - The news today is that the one hold out family between us is looking to sell their house - yes, my wheels are turning! Lol.) Then there is the Conroe compound with my brother & sister (in law), her sister & family and their parents. They don't have conjoining properties but a couple of streets over still counts in my mind.
Compounding lends to a different kind of life. As my cousins can attest (they compounded with our grandparents growing up), there is a freedom that you don't understand unless you've been there & lived it. It goes far beyond "community" to truly living life together. All of it. The ups AND the downs.
Borrowing a cup of sugar or roll of toilet paper are pretty much daily occurrences. "My fence needs mending" or "my garbage disposal is causing the sink to overflow" are met with your own army of folks. I wouldn't trade this simple way of life for ANYTHING!
So when an emergency takes place on the compound, everybody is "two feet in". When grandma fell two weeks ago, I jumped in - filling in anywhere & everywhere momma & my aunts needed me to. This has led to a house that wouldn't pass any kind of health inspection, a pop-up camper still popped up in my front yard 4wks after vacation, laundry that's done on a need-to-wear basis, and meal making based on "what's that thing in the bottom of the freezer?"
Being a perfectionist by nature, I have struggled with not getting my stay at home mom tasks done. Admittedly a lot of it has been failure to focus when I am home or not wanting to begin something I know I won't have time to finish. For me, it appeared as though my life at home was standing still.
Today, I know that just isn't the case. LIFE hasn't stood still at all. LIFE has been going on around me whether I've caught the message or not. Today, I finally caught it.
Last night momma told me that her deepest desire through all of this is to touch eternity. So when it comes to touching eternity, will the cleanliness of my house really matter or will the care I give to grandma, my momma & my aunts? When it comes to eternity, will what we eat (or don't eat) for dinner matter? When it comes to eternity, do I want my children to model a momma who rushed about through tasks like a mad woman or one that was willing to let tasks go to simply love people?
This isn't the summer that life stood still at all. This is the summer that circumstances reminded me that I've been missing out on life all together. This is the summer that I get to touch eternity with both hands wide open.