There's a path from my house to gma's house. Of course, there's been one since she moved 12 years ago. But never has it seen so much foot traffic as it has the past 6 weeks. 6 weeks! Tomorrow marks 6 weeks since she fell. Tomorrow marks 6 weeks of all hands on deck, an increase in phone calls & texts & visits. Tomorrow marks 6 weeks of "One more day Lord. Please just one more day."
Brian was on vacation the week gma fell so my schedule was a lot freer than it would normally be with him playing the role of both mom & dad.
The kids & I installed our own "fairy lights" to mark the path only a few days after she fell. It wasn't stuff that we had to run out & purchase but rather some scrap poles & the solar lights we use for vacation. It's come in very handy for the evening ride home with daddy.
The fact that we homeschool has come in pretty handy too. We don't typically start until the Tuesday following Labor Day which meant, again, that my schedule was a little freer.
There's an exhaustion though that comes with care giving that can't be understood until you walk in those shoes. It goes beyond the mental & physical to the deep emotional & spiritual fiber of your being. You begin to feel detached from the rest of the world, consumed at all times by loving this person with all that you have in the precious moments you know you have left together. You begin to run empty, as if you have nothing left to give at times. My prayer as of late has become more along the lines of "One more moment Lord. Please just one more moment." Only this time, it's not just a prayer for gma but a prayer for my own strength as well.
Gma's house is about a football field away yet when I step foot out the back gate, the journey looks & feels like it will never end. My thighs burn, my head pounds, my arms feel heavier than they've ever been before. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I sing. But all the time I pray. Then, just as my body feels it's about to give out, something miraculous happens. I reach the first landing of gma's back stairs & there is a renewed energy & strength just when I need it most. It's not my strength that carries me up the rest of the way in through that back door, ready to face the beautiful smile that awaits me laying in that hospital bed.
But perhaps, today I needed just a small reminder of God's providence. After a very emotional & tear filled day yesterday, I was woken up, unsurprised, by my friend, Mr Migraine. I took some medicine, kissed my family goodbye & put on Pandora.
One of my absolute favorite songs is "Give Me Jesus" by Jeremy Camp. I want nothing more when I leave this world than to be remembered for my love for him so that my children will say, "No matter what was going on, no matter what storms or trials came, my momma ALWAYS wanted nothing more than Jesus." In fact, they all four know that it IS to be sung at my funeral.
What was the first song that played? Yes.
In the morning, when I rise.
In the morning, when I rise.
In the morning, when I rise.
Give me Jesus.
Of course the day went on and Gma was very fretful today. (That's completely normal when your daughter is in the hospital & you can't go to her though.) The manifestation of that fret is pain & nausea in an already feeble body. But as soon as we got her settled, as soon as the dry heaves were gone, as soon as the pain lightened up, & she closed her eyes & began to fall asleep, what did I hear coming from her radio?
When I am alone,
Oh when I am alone,
Oh when I am alone,
Give me Jesus.
(Tears)
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world.
Give me Jesus.
Immediately I knew. Providence. God provided a doctor for my aunt that loves her beyond a typical patient and would come see her late on a Saturday night. He provided safe travel home for my daddy & uncle. He provided this next week of a scheduled vacation for my husband last year in October. He provided a week of vacation when gma fell & lights for my nightly trip home & a flexible education schedule for my family & a big brother who makes football practice runs everyday. He provided me with the opportunity to sing this song, not once, but twice today. He continues to provide & fill us with that one more moment of strength that we, as a family, need during this time when we all feel broken, poured out & empty. It comes no sooner than he has laid out, but it NEVER comes too late.
With a renewed gratefulness & tears running down my face, I stood at gma's bedside, watched her place her hand on momma's knee & I sang the last verse.
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Oh when I come to die,
Give me Jesus.
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