Friday, August 14, 2015

Memories born in the unexpected moments

Before I begin, I feel the need to apologize. My writings as of late have been very emotional, very raw & probably very difficult to read. Thank you for taking the time to read them. I thought my blogs would help me prepare. I thought sharing my feelings & lessons gleamed from the day would somehow make it easier to say goodbye. That simply is not the case.
Today, the kids & I, along with my cousin & her kiddos, visited our other grandma. Yes, we share two grandmas. Momma & my aunt are sisters that married brothers. That fact might help to clarify the closeness of our family.
We had a wonderful visit! The kids played games & we talked. The kids visited with us a little but they also played together. We shared a couple of pizzas & some sodas. But as time crept closer to football practice, I found myself not wanting to leave.
Grandma P is also dealing with some significant health issues. Drs visits, tests & more tests on the horizon have us all a little uneasy. Gone are the days of a simple bandaid on a scraped knee with a tight hug to make the world seem right again. This is the downhill side of life although right now it seems more like a cruel slip & slide.
As I write, as I blog, there's generally a clarity I gain from the happenings of the day but that peace escapes me right now. You see, my sister (in law) has been on me to allow her to help with Grandma B's nightly routine. After three weeks of missing dinners with my family, I relented, though I didn't want to leave. I hung around & walked her through the menial tasks I do while momma is with grandma. She scowled at me a dozen or so times as I reached for this or that to help. When momma asked me to fill up the vaporizer, I told her I couldn't, that sister was in charge. I was only walking her through everything. (Sister is a hands on learner.)
Just as they were almost done, my kids called & needed me. They haven't called in three weeks & probably wouldn't have had sister not been there. I kissed grandma on the cheek & told her I'd see her tomorrow. I hugged sister & walked to the kitchen where momma was. When our eyes met, I could no longer hold back the tears. This was the feeling I've been dreading. This was the feeling of letting go. It wasn't that I feared they couldn't handle things. It wasn't that I didn't want to go home. It was that feeling again that I just didn't want to leave.
Momma called me after sister left & I wasn't much better. She told me that I'll never fully be ready to let go. No matter how much I talk myself up to it, no matter how much I loathe the pain & fatigue grandma feels every night, I will never be ready.
These moments, the ones that demand every emotional & physical fiber of my being at the end of a long day, they are the moments I will miss. I'm always treasure sharing pizza & washing grandma's styrofoam cups. But it wasn't until tonight that I realized how much I'll miss filling a stupid coffee pot or moving a heavy oxygen machine or laying a satin gown out on the bathroom counter or watching grandma's feet dance in her sleep. These are the moments that will forever a part of who I am. They will be my fondest of memories.

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