I saw you last night

I saw you there. In my dream last night. It's been almost two years since I saw you last. Since I heard that beautiful voice.

Oh, how I prayed that God would let me dream of you in the months and months that would follow, just so that I could have some sort of peace, trying to grasp that you were in His arms, safe and whole again. But it wouldn't happen until last night and even then I was startled awake by the morning call of the clock, reminding me that time won't stand still just because I'm still trying to figure things out.

I tried to call you a couple times over the holidays. I don't know why. Something in my brain just didn't connect until my fingers started punching numbers on the screen. Then. I remembered.

But there you were last night. Just as beautiful as ever. No edema. No striations going down your arm. No nausea. The look in your eyes was that same 'ol glittery shine from days gone by. The one that could comfort the most weary and unsettled hearts. And though I still haven't heard your voice, you communicated to me that you had had to go. There was a place of healing beyond our wildest dreams. You knew that we would never be able to let go and so...in His infinite wisdom and sovereignty God took you. He took you to be healed into that bubbly, bouncy blonde everyone else remembers you to be. And now I remember too.

You were so beautiful. And I miss you every single second of the day. But now, maybe the beginning of a touch of peace.

And a whisper of "Thank you Lord for your goodness to me."

Kindness Disguised As a Shake

Twenty three years ago I became a mom. Growing up I wanted nothing more than to be a stay at home mom and wife. Perhaps my dreams were idealized or my youthful brain downplayed the struggles that would come with it or I severely underestimated the toll my own adolescent emotional outbursts took on my mom but alas, this is all I ever wanted. And I love it. Maybe not every minute of it but I can't imagine myself doing anything else. 

We would have one boy, then two, then three. I settled quickly into the boymom life and it suited me well. I was made for this! Then.....A GIRL! Oh bliss, right? But all I can remember was being terrified. I still am most days. Growing up as the only girl in the house, I only know that I have no idea what to do with this tiny pink thing about 125% of the time. No really. When she told me at 4yrs old that I had hurt her feelings, I vividly remember thinking, "You have those already?"

So as puberty has made its rather unwelcomed home in my baby girl, I've found myself leaning more on all of the girlmom experts in my life and hers. I've been coached by the best to respond, "I'm so sorry honey." or not respond at all to the on slot of estrogen induced swings and tears. I don't have to fight every battle, I don't have to prove my authority. Listen more, talk less. Got it. 

Last night, in the midst of one such occasion, a stranger's timely kindness would bridge a gap preventing a canyon from growing. 

As a reward for helping earlier in the day, I took two of the kids to Whataburger for dinner and bumped the drinks up to shakes. With a single income, eating out is a rare treat and you NEVER get a shake. From a very young age, part of practicing social skills for our homeschooled kids has been that they have to order their own food. Only when it was time for my daughter to order her food, she started to break down into tears of unknown origin. I placed her order with the kindest cashier I think I've ever met. We talked about our kids and how extensive it is to feed teenage boys then closed out the order and took a seat on the bench facing the counter to wait, my daughter crying silently under my arm. About seven orders had been placed immediately before ours so we knew we were going to be waiting a while. 

As we sat there, my precious baby took my hand and looked up with tear stained cheeks, "Momma, will you cry if you're tired?" 

"Yes, my love." 

"Momma, will you cry because you know that you're tired?" 

"My sweet girl, right now you will cry for reasons you don't know and then you'll cry harder because you're crying and you don't know why."

I guess the lady heard us talking or saw the tears that just wouldn't stop. She disappeared behind the wall then reimerged with three shakes in her hands. She walked over to us, having skipped all of the other orders, took my daughter's hand and said, "Here you go baby girl. This will help." Through tears, my daughter saw a shake but I saw something more. I looked for a name tag but she didn't have one. I wanted to report the depth of my gratitude to her corporate office, knowing most of what they hear is negative. So I just said thank you and we walked to the car after getting the rest of our food. 

I sat there for a few minutes, still debating on how to adequately thank her for the kindness she poured out, when I finally told the two kids I would be back. I walked into the restaurant, barely able to control the tears welling up in my own eyes at this point. I took her hand across that counter and thanked her for the simple gesture she had made for my struggling daughter. I told her I feel like I don't know what I'm doing with a girl most of the time and how both of us have been struggling so hard lately. She replied that she has six kids of her own and knows there are those days but could tell that we loved each other very much. I was crying by that point, thank God no one had walked in to order food! She started to make her way around the counter and asked if she could hug me. She whispered in my ear that everything would be ok and we would make it through. 

I returned to my car to find our two kids that fight the most laughing together and talking about a game we all play. It wasn't the shake itself that saved our evening, it was the unmerited kindness of a perfect stranger. No doubt a daughter of a different one time Stranger who poured out unmerited kindness to us all. 

Be kind. Look for opportunities to love with the same grace you have been given. Say thank you more often. You don't know who's life you may change. 

Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up. Proverbs 12:25

The Story I Did NOT Want To Write

Below you will find a blog I began July 16, 2017. It just was not the time to share, nor did I have any specific direction to go with it. I still don't have a whole lot of direction but have been urged to share.

*********original*********

In all the years that I've written the things I've shared, I've always stayed away from writing other people's stories. The experiences that other people have are theirs to share, not mine. But a year ago, during a casual conversion, Aunt Suzie told me she would consider it a gift if I ever wrote about her story. I took it under consideration & filed it away until the time would come that we would rally around her & carry her to the finish line, like we had done for gma.

This is NOT the story I wanted to write.

I, not unlike my family probably did, envisioned days & nights of keeping watch over her. Making memories that we would have to hold close on these hard days. Resurrecting that dadgum bicycle horn that she could honk when she needed us, just like gma had. Massaging her shoulders & arm with whatever lotion she would have chosen. Singing to her as she would drift off to sleep. Walking in to the room to see even a hint of that smile that would set our hearts at ease. But those were my plans. They obviously weren't what God had in store.

Thank you to all of the kind souls who attempt to lessen the pain with statements like "She's in a better place now", "No more pain", "Think of all that God spared her from suffering", ect. My head knows these things but my heart is a little further behind. My heart still cries one thing, "But why? Why her? Why now? Why so quickly & like that?"

If you never knew her personally, you missed the honor of knowing a true fighter. Aunt Suzie had cancer but it never had her. But that's not the fighter I'm focused on. She fought for us. ALWAYS reassuring us that she trusted WHATEVER plan God had. She fought so that those who knew her first and foremost saw someone who was so in love with Jesus that cancer didn't even enter the room. That's not to say that there weren't moments, days, when the burden that she carried got too heavy. But even on those days, she would reach out & ask people to pray for less nausea, more strength, less pain, more glitter. Her focus stayed the course & "But Even If He Does Not" truly was who she was.

She asked me a question one day that has been one of the only tangible things I've been able to hold on to lately. I've poured through texts, emails, messages for a date & cannot find it anywhere. The message simply said, "Thy Will". I remember going back & forth with her, giggling the whole time, as she explained she hit the send button before she finished typing. She wanted to know if I had heard the song.

Duh! Amy Grant sang it in the 80s, of course I had heard it. I grew up hearing it all the time. But that wasn't the version she was talking about. Hillary Scott released "Thy Will" after the death of her baby. I vaguely remember listening to it & thinking, "Oh, that's nice." but at the time, I couldn't relate to the lyrics. It wasn't until the week after she went Home that the song would leave me totally 

wrecked & relating more than I ever wished to do so:

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words:
Thy will be done

We had such different plans. We proclaimed His goodness & our willingness to follow Him through the valley that we knew lay ahead. God have me a blog that would become the anthem we would sing, only a week before the popular "Even If" was released. A blog that I can't even go back to read. A blog written in a different time & place when I was so sure I knew the story that I would write. We followed through with His plan. Now here we are with broken hearts that don't understand. Through gritted teeth, I would make myself say, "Thy will be done" outloud.

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So - Thy will be done

Nothing about this feels good. At all. And counting it all joy is a little hard when your glitter partner isn't there to call you, send you a text, sing you just one more song. My brain thinks it can begin to reason out the things God thinks about. One thing is sure though - I AM NOT GOD. This is NOT the plan I would have made.

I may never know why but I can tell you that day when I heard that song, our conversation immediately came back to me. Like a gentle reminder that she was ready when He was. That she knew there would be immense sadness & we probably wouldn't understand. A gaping hole where once our sunshine & glitter was.

********end original*********

She was ready to follow Jesus wherever He lead her. I'm not sure that we would ever have been ready to say goodbye. So as I sit here tonight on the eve of the anniversary of saying goodbye to her that final time, there are sights and sounds seared into my heart and mind of that hospital room. A waiting room full of her friends with literal glitter sprinkled all around. The songs we sang to her. The seasoned ICU nurse that had to leave that evening because "I was just getting too attached to you all." Hours spent kneeling, face down, on that cold floor over my bible as tears dropped to the pages below, looking for, begging for His peace and comfort for the people I love most in this world. Taking her hand and gently stroking it during that 4am hour as my family tried to rest a little, wanting to not ever let go. Such a privilege they allowed me to be with her, with them.

Here we are a year later and we are all still broken. We are all still intentionally having to look for whatever glitter He pours out.

I don't have a neat little ending to this. What I can tell you is that just like with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, Jesus has been right here in this fire with us. Protecting us as the flames lick at our heels. Carrying us on days when laying in bed, crying all day simply seems more appealing. Giving us strength to put one foot in front of the other as He guides our steps into the unknown. Constantly reminding us there is coming a day when no heartache will come, no more clouds in the sky, no more tears to dim the eye. All is peace forever more, on that happy golden shore. What a day, glorious day that will be.

More than the sparrows

I know that what happened today may seem so very small to the vast majority of people. I am quite aware that my love of nature, nurtured by a mother who sees God in every aspect of His creation, is unusual and quite overwhelming at times. But today, my heart hurts in a way that I simply didn't expect. 

As homeowners, you become aware that your work is never done. There is always cleaning to do. Maintenance to vie for precious moments, stolen away from children that refuse to stop growing up for even one second. Trees and water have been our inanimate enemies for these busy years in the throes of caregiving with those we love the most. Following the clearing of the land around us, the dreaded pine beetles moved on to munchier ground - ergo the towering pines that inhabit our back yard. 

In the midst of all this though, we have had a pair of beautiful Indian Hen Woodpeckers to take up residence year after year in the magnificent dying trees. Circle of life and all.... So when I heard the commotion outside by bedroom window, I clambered to throw on some outside worthy clothes and my trusty waders in order to check out the crash I had just heard. 

Much to my amazement, the dead pine we were worried about the most had fallen in such a way that no damage was done to any property, despite landing on top of the shop it had been standing beside. Mom ran down the dusty trail to meet me at the back fence and we marveled at God's goodness in sparing our home from another tree - roof incident. 

We were so caught up in the lack of property damage that we temporarily had forgotten our beautiful friends who were out on their daily task of foraging for babies totally dependant on their provision. I mean, we just knew they had nested in the other dead pine that was still standing just feet away. But as we walked into the property next door, in order to further survey the damage done, the laughter and smiles gave way to sorrow and tears. 

Three of the most beautiful baby Indian Hens laid there, motionless, at the top of the wreckage now plunged to the ground. The only solace we could take was that their deaths were instantaneous as the top of the tree  hit the ground first. 

Being ever so in tune with their momma's emotions and love of all things living, my boys, who now all tower over me, gently held me close and just let me cry. They didn't mock my sorrow as misplaced or dismiss it as some silly overreaction to a natural event. They didn't scoff when asked to help me prepare a resting place for three tiny baby birds. 

I cried for a while, thinking about the momma and daddy birds, wondering if birds feel sorrow like we do. I thought about her entire clutch being gone in one fell swoop and where they would go now. I thought about all the loss we have experienced in much a short time and the glitter of God's goodness seemed to disappear for a moment. 

"Are you not worth more than two sparrows? I see when each one falls and I gave them you today so that you could take care of them, even in dying. I gave you them, though, so that you would know My love for you."

As a sit here now, I think about all of you who have come along side us the past few years and carried our sorrow. Those who have said,  without words, how much you love us as you gently hold us and just let us cry. Those who never hurry us along in bearing a grief so deep that it has changed who we are. Those who never see our tears and sadness as misplaced or lingering too long. Those who continually shine a light into the darkness so that His glitter is seen. It is through you we are reminded of His deep, unfailing love for us. It is through you we are reminded His eyes are on the sparrows. It is through you we KNOW that He is still watching over us. 

And it is for you that we are grateful. 

What I Wish I Could Tell You in My Grief

If it is said "Experience is the greatest of all teachers" one might wonder what lessons are to be learned in a year with eight funerals, SIX between Mother's Day and Labor Day weekend. While there are many lessons to be learned, I can tell you that most of them will be hard and heartbreaking. Perhaps two of the greatest I have learned are: Death effects everyone at some time & Grief looks different to every person in each circumstance.

Many of you have encouraged me to continue writing in the months following our loss of Aunt Suzie. What you must know is that she was my biggest cheerleader when it came to my blogging and sharing. Many times I have sat in front of a blank screen, staring and praying for the release that comes when words begin to flow like they used to, when my fingers had to move fast enough to keep up with my brain. But the words just have not come. My heart is so far behind everything else that is me as silence is all that I hear when the tears begin to fall on the keyboard in front of me. I am still broken beyond anything I have ever had to face before.

But this morning, as I attended yet another funeral to support someone that I love dearly, this very raw, very honest blog that I began in September came to mind. Admittedly, I was in a very dark place when I penned it. Collected from conversations with those I now live with in this life without the one person I know would have read it and encouraged me, I offer you a glimpse into the thoughts of someone in deep grief so that you may learn how to love them where they are....

What I Wish I Could Tell You in My Grief

1. Funerals are hard. They are the reminder that life here comes to an end. Attending one for someone else that I love to support them through their own loss will leave me raw, emotional and flat out exhausted in every sense of the word. I will need time to decompress & recuperate from things & feelings I thought I had already dealt with.

2. Please don't tell me that my loved one is watching down on me. What a wretched thought. To see & watch the pain & agony that I face on a day to day basis, as I learn to live without them, would be a fate that I wouldn't wish on anyone. That's not peaceful. That's not Heaven. It's not remotely Biblical anyway. EDIT 12/18/17: For me, the knowledge that my loved one is with Jesus is far more comforting than them watching me.

3. If you loved her, if you even just like me a little, PLEASE say her name to me. Your dancing around the hole that she left only makes that hole deeper. Fill it with her stories. Fill it with how she loved you & changed your life. Fill it with anything but please don't pretend that she just didn't exist because you're afraid to make me cry. I cry all the time anyway. Happy tears are welcome.

4. This hurts. This hurts in a way that "I understand" or "She's in a better place" only hurts more. You can't understand my personal hurt. The relationship that we shared was unique. Be very careful in comparing. I also know she IS in a better place, but my heart remains broken over not having her here with me. Just about anything feels better than this hurt.

5. Stop asking me "How are you doing?" Honestly, I've never done worse in my life. But that's not the answer you're looking or prepared for. I hide behind casual answers because so many have asked that have no intention of listening anyway. You don't know what to say? Most of the time, neither do I. A simple "I LOVE YOU" is great. Talking about her is better. (See #3)

6. I just can't......anything. Somedays I can't talk. Somedays I can't text. Somedays I can't listen. Somedays I just don't even want to get out of bed. I am trying though. I did put pants on today.

7. In those times when I HAVE TO be with others, sometimes I still can't engage. I may find a quiet corner. I may sit silently with tears streaming down my face. I may actually have to leave. Please don't take it personally. It's not you, it's me.

8. You miss me, I know. Because I miss me too. My kids, my husband, they miss me. The old me is gone though. Please grant me grace & mercy until I figure out the new me. Until then, if you really love me, look for glimmers of the me that you once knew & love me where I am.

9. Things I do don't always make sense. Things I feel don't always make sense. I may forget things or repeat them. My brain is stuck in a fog & I'm fighting for clarity with every breath. Really, I am. But I may forget things or repeat them.

10. Approximately two weeks after the funeral, most everyone else's lives moved on. Mine didn't. There are still no phone calls. No texts. No songs. Don't be that person who, at the time, said they would be there & vanish on me now. I'm still broken. I'm still crushed. I still need you.

~End original~

Here I sit today, seven months after holding her hand that weekend to walk her to the finish line. This morning, the waves of nausea that overtook my body returned as I faced the harsh reality that I won't hear her voice again until I see her face to face. The bleakness of a southeast Texas rainy winter afternoon following a funeral has my emotions all over the map again and the tears are still hitting the keyboard. 

So why force myself to do this? Because someone else needs to hear it. 

Someone else needs to know how to love someone in this deep, dark valley. They need to know how to be that "I'm bringing you dinner tonight. Chicken and dumplings. Be there in 5." person. Someone else needs to know that there probably won't be a reply when you send, "Just thinking about you. I love you." but you need to send it anyway. You need to know that the person you love is still there, clinging to whatever love you can pour out into their brokeness.

Then there are the broken. And they need to hear it too. They need to know that they aren't alone. That it will be "normal" for sorrow and tears to be their ever constant undesired companion. And that THAT IS OK. But they also need to know that one day, very slowly, the color will begin to appear in their world again. That they will hear the birds singing. They will laugh, no really laugh. That those memories and songs and smells won't always leave you completely wrecked. There will, one day, be a hint of a smile as the tears fall and you will regain the strength to do the hard, step by step, again. Then you will retreat and rest again, having just accomplished that one hard thing for today. And if you look, really look, perhaps you will see the little flakes of the glitter of God's faithfulness that couldn't be swept away in the storm. Then MAYBE you can whisper like gma did those last few days, with all the strength that she could muster, "Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus." as the tears fall.

Life in the valley

I love to hike! For reals. But over the past twenty so years, it is a hobby that my family has only engaged with me in because they love me, not hiking. They hate hiking almost as much as I love it. I was all alone until our oldest son introduced a new member to our family, one that loves to hike! Woohoo!

This past week we were on one such hike.  Whether it was because everything was new to her or the fact that she's more than twenty years my junior, our adorable new pace car stepped up the game in both speed and excitement. Leaving us in the dust, Brian and I had little choice but to meander along at a slightly slower pace. We could hear the kids laughing and having a good time but we couldn't quite reach them. It was in our being slightly behind them that I began to ponder a few things. 

I began to think about all of the hikes we have taken over the years. All of those hikes seemed to be though valleys. Sure we would transverse a mountaintop here or there but the real work was always done in the valleys.

When gma went Home, I remember sitting at her table one night with momma as we attempted to make sense of this new place, this new valley, we were in. It was then that my momma said something I had never stopped to analyze too deeply. "This is the valley of the shadow of death David was talking about in Psalm 23. It's not what we've always thought it was. The valley of the shadow of death is what is left for the living in the wake of a loved one's passing. This darkness can swallow us up if we're not careful. If our eyes drop their gaze from The One who is able to pull us through, sorrow will win."

Not doubt I'm living in the valley right now. A dark, deep valley. The deepest I've ever known. The sorrow, and at times outright despair, that I've tried to meander through seems to have no end. The waters threaten everyday to wash over me and the flames nip at my heels. I have but one place to turn for comfort - to The One who is able. 

During times like these, people love to quote from that Psalm momma referred to but most stop with "You are with me". Perhaps it's because we don't understand the second half. Perhaps we don't want to admit the pain that comes with it. 

In short, a shepherd's rod was used for discipline. It's not that he had evil sheep that were being punished for bad behavior all the time but rather he would use his rod to direct and discipline the sheep to go the way he knew they needed to go. Through long days and dark nights with his sheep in the valley, the shepherd developed their ability to hear and follow him so that when they moved on, the sheep would stay close and not wander away. But discipline is not easy and at times it's just painful. 

His staff would bring protection to the otherwise defenseless and vulnerable sheep. He saw all of the threats looming on the horizon and would not be taken surprise by any of them. The sheep could see his staff and would associate it with their leader. The one who swore his life to protect and give them theirs. 

And though I know there are different types of valleys - valleys with luscious pastures and life giving water to sparse, desert valleys full of endless days and scorching heat - I do understand that in every valley growth takes place. This is where the real work is done. After all, no one lives on mountaintops. How then am I growing? What am I learning in this valley? 

He IS my Shepherd. He never promised me that I would be able to avoid this deep, dark valley. The shadow left by my Aunt Suzie going Home is one that will affect me for the rest of my life. I can not avoid or deny the sorrow my heart feels. All of the fears that come with thoughts of what our lives will look like without her are only met by His sovereign control of things I surely don't understand. Even in this place, He has NEVER left or forsaken me, though I still question His plan and have bouts of anger. He is here. He is disciplining me, continually preparing me, for what lies ahead so that I can live a life that honors Him like she did. He protects my heart with a measured sorrow, KNOWING I will see her again one day. 

So I will put on my hiking boots, like she would say, and walk a little further gleaning encouragement from all those pace cars in my life who remind me to laugh once in a while, who pray for me, who love me in my meandering and continue to shout into this valley, "We're right here. And we're waiting to walk with you."

I do not like you very much right now

Being the only girl in my immediate family growing up, I'm not your typical girly girl. Sure I had double first cousins who were like sisters but there's nothing like another girl in the house to prepare you for raising a girl.
The first time our daughter told me that I hurt her feelings at four years old, my first thought was, "You're old enough to have those?" Then she topped that with, "I don't like you very much right now." Fine. You don't have to like me, you just have to obey me. Nor does your dislike for me have any bearing on my love for you.

To be very honest, I've spent most of the past month being very angry.

When I was younger and studied the stages of grief, anger being one stage, I thought that they had this linear flow but the older I've gotten & more grief I've experienced, I've realized that grief is more like this dance that no one wants to learn. The stages cycle in and out like steps on the dance floor as I twirl around, trying not to get dizzy. They intermingle and sometimes overlap in the silence.

Didn't God know that we had plans?

There were promises that were made to care for & love with the same passion & determination we had during gma's journey. Promises to complete another hard journey that none of us ever would have embarked on willingly. Now just broken promises.

Texts about tomorrow's visit that will never come.

Songs left unsung.

All these things have left me angry, sad, longing for just one more good day together. My feelings are hurting.

How many times have I cried out with tear stained cheeks, "I just don't see Your glory in any of this! I can't feel You. I don't like it. I don't like You very much right now!"?

(I know by this point, I've probably set a few people on edge, "How dare she say that she's angry with God! She doesn't like Him? Has she lost her mind? Doesn't she know what she's got coming? " Hold your thoughts.)

Yet, in my lamenting, I've become painfully aware that I have reduced the Sovereign God of the universe to nothing more than mere mortal feelings & emotions in my attempt to comprehend things that I was never meant to understand. I just don't FEEL Him like I used to.
And maybe that's the problem. My relationship with Jesus isn't supposed to always be about feeling Him. Always liking the plan that He has. Sure, there have been moments that, just like He promised, He draws near to the brokenhearted. But what about the rest of the time? When I don't "feel" Him, is He still there? Is there a place for Him there in my anger? When I reflect on promises that were broken beyond my control, is He still loving me? When I can't utter the words "But even though He DID NOT" or my song is silent, is there room for me to say, "I DON'T LIKE YOU!"?
Of course there is. It's certainly not like my inability to admit these things out loud keeps Him from knowing what's going on inside me anyway.

So His answer? More love. More grace. My inability to FEEL God near me doesn't change the fact that not only is He near, but He weeps with me. Sorrow like I've never known before. My broken promises. A visit that waits. Silent songs. Dancing in the rests. All a part of His plan, the plan that I don't have to like.

Obedience is the only option I have left.

Then I think about that afternoon when my own daughter told me that she didn't like me very much right now.........and I hear my voice.
But just like her dislike of me didn't change my love for her, I know that I am STILL loved. My dislike of His plan, my momentary doubt of His goodness, doesn't change His character or love for me. I am met right where I am in my feelings, or lack thereof. I am still whispered Truth like, "I never promised you tomorrow. I promised you forever."

And once again, I dissolve into a little girl, bawling in her Father's arms, realizing that though I thought He had forgotten me in my despair, He has been right here ready to pour out more love, more grace as He reassures me He's not going anywhere. He was big enough on the mountaintop, so surely He's big enough in this valley.

Big enough to hear "I don't like You very much right now" & love me through the anger as I honestly come to Him, get to know Him & His promises in ways I never knew before. Big enough to love me & be near when I just don't feel Him.