Being the only girl in my immediate family growing up, I'm not your typical girly girl. Sure I had double first cousins who were like sisters but there's nothing like another girl in the house to prepare you for raising a girl.
The first time our daughter told me that I hurt her feelings at four years old, my first thought was, "You're old enough to have those?" Then she topped that with, "I don't like you very much right now." Fine. You don't have to like me, you just have to obey me. Nor does your dislike for me have any bearing on my love for you.
To be very honest, I've spent most of the past month being very angry.
When I was younger and studied the stages of grief, anger being one stage, I thought that they had this linear flow but the older I've gotten & more grief I've experienced, I've realized that grief is more like this dance that no one wants to learn. The stages cycle in and out like steps on the dance floor as I twirl around, trying not to get dizzy. They intermingle and sometimes overlap in the silence.
Didn't God know that we had plans?
There were promises that were made to care for & love with the same passion & determination we had during gma's journey. Promises to complete another hard journey that none of us ever would have embarked on willingly. Now just broken promises.
Texts about tomorrow's visit that will never come.
Songs left unsung.
All these things have left me angry, sad, longing for just one more good day together. My feelings are hurting.
How many times have I cried out with tear stained cheeks, "I just don't see Your glory in any of this! I can't feel You. I don't like it. I don't like You very much right now!"?
(I know by this point, I've probably set a few people on edge, "How dare she say that she's angry with God! She doesn't like Him? Has she lost her mind? Doesn't she know what she's got coming? " Hold your thoughts.)
Yet, in my lamenting, I've become painfully aware that I have reduced the Sovereign God of the universe to nothing more than mere mortal feelings & emotions in my attempt to comprehend things that I was never meant to understand. I just don't FEEL Him like I used to.
And maybe that's the problem. My relationship with Jesus isn't supposed to always be about feeling Him. Always liking the plan that He has. Sure, there have been moments that, just like He promised, He draws near to the brokenhearted. But what about the rest of the time? When I don't "feel" Him, is He still there? Is there a place for Him there in my anger? When I reflect on promises that were broken beyond my control, is He still loving me? When I can't utter the words "But even though He DID NOT" or my song is silent, is there room for me to say, "I DON'T LIKE YOU!"?
Of course there is. It's certainly not like my inability to admit these things out loud keeps Him from knowing what's going on inside me anyway.
So His answer? More love. More grace. My inability to FEEL God near me doesn't change the fact that not only is He near, but He weeps with me. Sorrow like I've never known before. My broken promises. A visit that waits. Silent songs. Dancing in the rests. All a part of His plan, the plan that I don't have to like.
Obedience is the only option I have left.
Then I think about that afternoon when my own daughter told me that she didn't like me very much right now.........and I hear my voice.
But just like her dislike of me didn't change my love for her, I know that I am STILL loved. My dislike of His plan, my momentary doubt of His goodness, doesn't change His character or love for me. I am met right where I am in my feelings, or lack thereof. I am still whispered Truth like, "I never promised you tomorrow. I promised you forever."
And once again, I dissolve into a little girl, bawling in her Father's arms, realizing that though I thought He had forgotten me in my despair, He has been right here ready to pour out more love, more grace as He reassures me He's not going anywhere. He was big enough on the mountaintop, so surely He's big enough in this valley.
Big enough to hear "I don't like You very much right now" & love me through the anger as I honestly come to Him, get to know Him & His promises in ways I never knew before. Big enough to love me & be near when I just don't feel Him.
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