The Story I Did NOT Want To Write

Below you will find a blog I began July 16, 2017. It just was not the time to share, nor did I have any specific direction to go with it. I still don't have a whole lot of direction but have been urged to share.

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In all the years that I've written the things I've shared, I've always stayed away from writing other people's stories. The experiences that other people have are theirs to share, not mine. But a year ago, during a casual conversion, Aunt Suzie told me she would consider it a gift if I ever wrote about her story. I took it under consideration & filed it away until the time would come that we would rally around her & carry her to the finish line, like we had done for gma.

This is NOT the story I wanted to write.

I, not unlike my family probably did, envisioned days & nights of keeping watch over her. Making memories that we would have to hold close on these hard days. Resurrecting that dadgum bicycle horn that she could honk when she needed us, just like gma had. Massaging her shoulders & arm with whatever lotion she would have chosen. Singing to her as she would drift off to sleep. Walking in to the room to see even a hint of that smile that would set our hearts at ease. But those were my plans. They obviously weren't what God had in store.

Thank you to all of the kind souls who attempt to lessen the pain with statements like "She's in a better place now", "No more pain", "Think of all that God spared her from suffering", ect. My head knows these things but my heart is a little further behind. My heart still cries one thing, "But why? Why her? Why now? Why so quickly & like that?"

If you never knew her personally, you missed the honor of knowing a true fighter. Aunt Suzie had cancer but it never had her. But that's not the fighter I'm focused on. She fought for us. ALWAYS reassuring us that she trusted WHATEVER plan God had. She fought so that those who knew her first and foremost saw someone who was so in love with Jesus that cancer didn't even enter the room. That's not to say that there weren't moments, days, when the burden that she carried got too heavy. But even on those days, she would reach out & ask people to pray for less nausea, more strength, less pain, more glitter. Her focus stayed the course & "But Even If He Does Not" truly was who she was.

She asked me a question one day that has been one of the only tangible things I've been able to hold on to lately. I've poured through texts, emails, messages for a date & cannot find it anywhere. The message simply said, "Thy Will". I remember going back & forth with her, giggling the whole time, as she explained she hit the send button before she finished typing. She wanted to know if I had heard the song.

Duh! Amy Grant sang it in the 80s, of course I had heard it. I grew up hearing it all the time. But that wasn't the version she was talking about. Hillary Scott released "Thy Will" after the death of her baby. I vaguely remember listening to it & thinking, "Oh, that's nice." but at the time, I couldn't relate to the lyrics. It wasn't until the week after she went Home that the song would leave me totally 

wrecked & relating more than I ever wished to do so:

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words:
Thy will be done

We had such different plans. We proclaimed His goodness & our willingness to follow Him through the valley that we knew lay ahead. God have me a blog that would become the anthem we would sing, only a week before the popular "Even If" was released. A blog that I can't even go back to read. A blog written in a different time & place when I was so sure I knew the story that I would write. We followed through with His plan. Now here we are with broken hearts that don't understand. Through gritted teeth, I would make myself say, "Thy will be done" outloud.

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So - Thy will be done

Nothing about this feels good. At all. And counting it all joy is a little hard when your glitter partner isn't there to call you, send you a text, sing you just one more song. My brain thinks it can begin to reason out the things God thinks about. One thing is sure though - I AM NOT GOD. This is NOT the plan I would have made.

I may never know why but I can tell you that day when I heard that song, our conversation immediately came back to me. Like a gentle reminder that she was ready when He was. That she knew there would be immense sadness & we probably wouldn't understand. A gaping hole where once our sunshine & glitter was.

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She was ready to follow Jesus wherever He lead her. I'm not sure that we would ever have been ready to say goodbye. So as I sit here tonight on the eve of the anniversary of saying goodbye to her that final time, there are sights and sounds seared into my heart and mind of that hospital room. A waiting room full of her friends with literal glitter sprinkled all around. The songs we sang to her. The seasoned ICU nurse that had to leave that evening because "I was just getting too attached to you all." Hours spent kneeling, face down, on that cold floor over my bible as tears dropped to the pages below, looking for, begging for His peace and comfort for the people I love most in this world. Taking her hand and gently stroking it during that 4am hour as my family tried to rest a little, wanting to not ever let go. Such a privilege they allowed me to be with her, with them.

Here we are a year later and we are all still broken. We are all still intentionally having to look for whatever glitter He pours out.

I don't have a neat little ending to this. What I can tell you is that just like with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, Jesus has been right here in this fire with us. Protecting us as the flames lick at our heels. Carrying us on days when laying in bed, crying all day simply seems more appealing. Giving us strength to put one foot in front of the other as He guides our steps into the unknown. Constantly reminding us there is coming a day when no heartache will come, no more clouds in the sky, no more tears to dim the eye. All is peace forever more, on that happy golden shore. What a day, glorious day that will be.