One of the things I've enjoyed doing for myself is running. I'm not setting out to win any marathons, it's only recreational. Honestly though, it's always been more than that. It's an escape. I don't have to think about what chore needs to be done next. There's no one asking me questions. My playlist is customized to whatever I need to hear that day.
But always when I run, I hit a proverbial wall little more than halfway through. I have two options at this point - push through or take it easy. If you know me, you know there's very little take it easy about me. So push is the only real option.
When I would reach that push point, my body would take over, even if it was just going through the motions. Shortly after that, there was a euphoria I felt as my body released the adrenaline & endorphins I needed to reach the end. And I would finish, victoriously.
Thirteen weeks ago our family set out on a new marathon. Caring for gma has been a race that none of us have thoroughly enjoyed to be quite honest. Watching her slowly slip away has caused a litany of emotions none of us had experienced to this degree for this amount of time. There have been plenty of times we needed a push from each other and the voices of those who have cheered us on from a distance. But this is not our race, it is gma's. We are her supporters.
Things took a definite turn last Thursday. Sitting here today, I can tell you I couldn't have imagined being in this place. Gma, the gma we know, is now gone to us. She is now blind. Her body remains, struggling for each breath she takes in, but for the most part it is simply the mechanics of life we are now watching. And for that, our hearts grieve.
But something amazing happened, at least for me, last night. We've attempted to keep as much routine as possible for her. Sunday morning when she was moaning, I asked her who she was talking to, she said, "Chrissy." I said, "Oh. Yes, Chrissy comes on Mondays to do bible study with you." She replied, "And Krista."
So last night, because she still hears us, Chrissy and Krista opened their bibles & read to her. Mike had brought dinner & we were all there. Ever since gma moved 12yrs ago, my family has done every birthday, every family dinner with momma & daddy at gma's so she could be a part. Last night felt oddly "normal".
Then after everyone left, when it was just momma, daddy, Mike & I, momma & I set about getting her "ready for bed". We've ended every night with momma sitting on the left side of the bed, I on the right, holding her hands & saying our goodnights. (Sounds a little Walton-ish, doesn't it?) I was completely taken by surprise when momma began talking. She sounded so upbeat, so happy after such a emotionally draining day.
"Momma, it was such a beautiful day today. Everyone is doing so well..." I listened as my momma went through the entire list of family members & recounted the highlights of God's faithfulness. (which I can share with them independently) "....and Jeffrey starts work in the morning. Momma! God have him a job! So see momma? God's answered your prayers. It is ok. We're going to be ok. God is taking care of us. So you can go home & rest now. You can talk to Jesus face to face. You can tell daddy all about us and hold those babies you never got to hold. Momma, it's ok." Then without so much as a break in her voice, my momma said, "I love you momma." and gma smiled. Of course I was sobbing uncontrollably by this time. I took a very long deep breath and said, "I love you Mawmaw." She smiled again.
Then as if someone had opened a window, the fog was cleared. The heaviness was gone. There was a peace, the peace I've been so anxiously awaiting & anticipating. Now it was the peace that was overwhelming me.
I've never felt anything like that before. Ever. No words I type would ever be able to express to you how very deeply and widely I felt it. None.
This morning I sat on her bed and took her hand once again, "Mawmaw, can you see it?" I asked with great anticipation. "I can see it. I can see the finish line! You're almost there. We're going to hold your hands and carry you right up to Jesus. Then when we let go, He's going to take your hands and carry you the rest of the way. We're right here with you." I know she heard me. She moaned again.
As I look at the familiar face in that bed, I see my gma, blind & confined to a bed. But when I close my eyes, I see her open her eyes again to the sight of the Savior she lived her life for. I see her dancing. I can see her singing.
It is with great honor I will carry her through until her race is done. I don't know why my momma & my aunts deemed me so worthy of this honor. I'll never be able to tell them thank you enough for all I've learned or the precious memories they've allowed me to have. So together, we will all carry her victoriously right up to the finish line where her Jesus is waiting.
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