Thankful. Just thankful.

I've always, always, always had nightmares. Not the typical falling off a cliff, sudden stop type nightmares but fear that grips you beyond the dream state and keeps you awake for the rest of the night nightmares. The nightmares come in cycles and usually signal a stressful time in my life. They started again last night. Unfortunately, they are also something at least two of my children have inherited from me.
You would think that because I've dealt with them, compassion would be my automatic reaction but it frequently isn't. I could give a million rational reasons as to why I react the way I do when I'm woken up but they're only excuses.
Still, as my baby girl woke me up again tonight, I laid there, eyes closed, knowing she was standing over me, annoyed as I could possibly be. I honestly don't blame her for not wanting to wake me, given my past reactions but it is something we have talked about, "I can't help you if you don't tell me what you need." She typically stands beside the bed, bumping it, rocking me back and forth rather than using her words. Yes, this fuels my frustrated reaction. Several minutes passed tonight but she never once rocked the bed. Then a gentle hand on my shoulder, "Momma, I had a nightmare."
I was incredibly annoyed. Didn't she know that I haven't been sleeping well already? I had only been asleep for an hour and now it would take forever to go back to sleep. So I don't know who was more shocked by what happened next - Pigs or me.
I reached up and grabbed her hand. I pulled the covers back and moved over. I held her as tightly as I could while still letting her breathe and whispered in her ear how much I loved her. Where in the world did THAT come from?!?! To my surprise, she settled right down, which is VERY atypical for her, and was asleep in five minutes.
The reaction that she got WAS NOT ME. Here in the middle of my anxiety over so many situations beyond my control, the list of responsibilities left undone, mental, emotional and physical exhaustion like I've never experienced before God met my daughter when she needed him most and he used me to do it.
So as I lay here, half afraid to go to sleep for nightmares, I think about what there is to be thankful for in the middle of this storm:

I'm thankful for Pigs. I'm even thankful for her nightmare right now. I'm thankful that I got to see God use me, despite me. 

I'm thankful for 13yrs, today, with the most incredible, hard-headed, active, sensitive, dramatic ball of boy I ever gave birth to. 

I'm thankful for the opportunity to hear the front door close just now and pray my bigs to work safely. 

I'm thankful for football practice and the amazing group of young men who have formed a brotherhood around my athlete born into a family of nerds. 

I'm thankful for 20yrs with my high school sweetheart. I'm thankful for the sacrifice he makes everyday as he deals with heat, cold, rain, wind, customers, supervisors and other drivers. I'm thankful for his continued safety. I'm thankful for his time to speak my love language & make me food at almost midnight or loading the dishwasher. I'm thankful for gifts like a Symphony Bar or bag of beef jerky.

I'm thankful for pain meds and heating pads and rice "socks" that keep grandma a little more comfortable. 

I'm thankful for hospitals and doctors and new therapies in treating blood clots. I'm thankful they caught Jeff's blood clot before it reached his heart or cut circulation off to his lungs completely. 

I'm thankful for new chemo treatments and drs who will take a small time out when my loved one's body needs it. 

I'm thankful for pulmonologists and lung function tests and steriods and no fever for a week. 

I'm thankful for renal specialists and immunologists and living so close to Texas Children's. 

I'm thankful for texts that ask how I'm doing and Facebook messages that ask "What can I do? Can I make you dinner? Can your kids come over so you can think?"

I'm thankful for friends that send me their devotional from that morning because they know it will encourage and strengthen me. 

I'm thankful for mentors who remind me that things WILL BE different, but just how God plans, even if it might not be what I want. 

I'm thankful for momma's lifelong friend who asks me to remind her that she's praying and loves her....and really means it. 

This morning, I'm thankful for no nightmares, even if it means no sleep.