This Christmas season there was a local radio station that promoted the theme - Choose Joy. I think I understand what they were attempting to say but the phrase rubbed me the wrong way.
Christmas in a season of mourning is anything but normal. In fact, every year since I've been a mom I remember this sad feeling the day after Christmas that I had missed out on something. This year, a new sentiment came on the scene though - Man, am I glad that's finally over!
In the days following Christmas I realized that I had spent the entire month of December going through the motions. Sure, my body was at each gathering. I ate the food. I watched the kids open presents. There were even times that I laughed. But that lingering feeling that something, someone, was missing never left my thoughts. Now I would be able to return to routine, not forced to slap a smile on my face & "choose joy" because that's what made everyone else comfortable. I fought back tears at every turn & even feelings of resentment, at times, because everyone else's Christmas was normal. For me, there was more of what Christmas wasn't than what Christmas was. I felt alone. I was glad to see it go.
To my surprise, the day after Christmas at mom & dad's, momma asked me, "So, did YOU feel like we were just going through the motions yesterday?" Excuse me? What did you just ask? You mean, I'm not the only one?
Gma had ALWAYS joined us at momma & daddy's Christmas. After everyone got there, someone would either jump in their car or on the 4 wheeler, if it was warm enough in deep east Texas, and escort our honorary matriarch to her place on the couch, bring her a plate or bowl of whatever we were eating then we'd watch as she opened the same gift we got her last year, satin pajamas. She'd squeeze our necks & tell us how much she loved them, then, of course, tell each of us how much she loved us. This was the Christmas gathering I had dreaded the most. There would be no ride through the woods, an empty spot in the couch and no satin PJs. I couldn't even make myself leave the dinning room table. This wasn't Christmas.
For weeks now, I've been attempting to make sense of the "meh" emotions I've felt. I've tried to make sense of "choose joy" but it's just not happening. To be quite honest, joy is something God gives freely to his people, not some magical mystical FEELING we pull out of our pocket when life SUCKS. Joy is satisfaction in understanding that DESPITE my feelings, God is in control of my life & the lives of those I love so that I don't have to be. That means that even when I don't feel happy, happy, happy there will still be joy.
But, we don't like to hurt and we don't like it when those we love hurt. So we make up little phrases that put bandaids on hearts that have been torn apart thinking we've done something good. What if - what if we were supposed to feel broken? What if it was through that pain that God would meet us in a place we've never met him before?
This truth has never been more evident than it is to me now. A friend of mine is in a season of deep mourning & loss as well. In my conversation with her, I told her that I wished I could do something to ease the pain that she felt. Her gentle reply was, "But I want to feel this now. I need to feel this right now." And she's right. We do ourselves an injustice by merely attempting to alleviate the pain when God can heal us as he walks us through every agonizing step of it.
There will be times in our lives when the way that things aren't overshadow the way that they are, the way that our hearts long for them to be. The grief doesn't diminish our joy, only the happiness we feel for right now. God is still in control even when we don't like what's going on. And he doesn't shame us for not liking it. He wants to meet us in that place too.
Oh soul are you weary & troubled, no light in the darkness you see? There's light for a look at the Savior, and life more abundant and free. Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full on his wonderful face. And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace.
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