When I was a little girl, I had one real dream. There was only ever one thing I wanted to do - be a stay at home mom, just like my momma. With four children & the opportunity to homeschool, that dream has come to pass. I hear all the time - I don't know how you do it, I don't have the patience. But what those people don't know is - NEITHER DO I!
Spending all day, day in & day out, with your children causes even the smallest of things to grate on your nerves, at times, like nails on a chalkboard. Add to that a little bit of defiance & a whole lot of disobedience & you have a recipe for a complete & total meltdown.
(Now, before you get this picture of my kids that paints them as little heathens running around all the time with war paint & feathers in their caps, know that we have a very high standard. Still, as all children do, they take advantage of every opportunity they can to push the boundaries & make sure they're still in place.)
Tuesday was my meltdown. Upon arriving to biology, a 20 minute drive from home, it was discovered that, "I forgot my folder (of stuff that was due today) on my bed (AT HOME!)." Forgetfulness & distractions with this particular child are over the top right now but that's a different blog for a different day. What was I to do? Let him take 5 zeroes in a class he's already struggling in? No.
The tears began in the parking lot before the car was even in reverse. "I can't take anymore of this! I hate it. I don't like y'all very much. And I don't even want to be around you." I sobbed as I flipped on the blinker after safely depositing the bio kid.
I fumbled for the cord to connect my phone & escape in my music. My mind kept mulling over & over all of the times my children would say that they loved me then turn around & treat me like they had. I thought about the times when they would sneak YouTube videos instead of the book they were supposed to be reading or that paper they were supposed to be typing. I thought about all the undone chores I would complete & the broken toilet seat from standing on it. I thought about the piles of laundry diligently folded only to end up on their bedroom floors. I thought about arguing & fighting over who's bracelet that was, even though it came out of the dumpster at church. I thought about my newly ordered, never used, now broken Tardis coffee mug. No wonder I didn't like them.
As the tears kept falling & the music kept playing, "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" began with a soft piano playing. In a time when I didn't think I could cry any harder, my shoulders began heaving as I heard a voice begin to speak.
(Great is Thy Faithfulness, O God, my Father. There is no shadow of turning with Thee. Thou changest not; Thy compassions, they fail not. As thou hast been, Thou forever will be.)
"My children do the same thing to Me. But you're really nothing like Me, ya know? You want what's best for them but when your children are disobedient & defiant, what's the first thing you want to do? Run away. You allow their behavior to dictate your own so much that right now, you're really nothing like Me. I want you to be more like Me. Let Me show you how."
And there it was. My analysis of my pity party & the truth I needed to hear all in one. As He often does, God was using my children (& their behavior) to show me what I needed to change. The truth is my current state of martyrdom is laced with impatience, mood swings, very little compassion & a lack of self discipline. As equally as my children's behavior failed to reflect God's character, so did my own.
Desperately needing a break, I spent that afternoon with momma at gma's house. I sat on the floor in front of gma's chair like I had countless times before only this time it was my momma that sat in that chair & listened to me. And cried with me. And reminded me, again, of God's faithfulness.
For my children, reflecting God's faithfulness and mercy means a zero tolerance policy & strict discipline right now. Just as God has done countless times for His own children, Jesus reminds us that He disciplines those He loves. In doing so, He saves them from themselves. Discipline is an act of mercy. So I HAVE TO step up the discipline as an act of love before they get out of hand & fall further into this trap of sneakiness, disobedience & defiance. No more yelling. No more pity parties over having to be the one to do this. No more martyrdom. This is part of my job, my dream job, even though it's the part I hate the most.
For me, God's faithfulness looked a little different than I thought it would after my revelation that morning as my 19yr old pulled me aside before he went to bed with tears in his eyes - "Mom, I heard what you said to Mawmaw today. It was hard for me to listen to you tell her that you're not like God at all. I honestly wanted to run over & shake you. I've had a lot of time the past few weeks to think about some things & one of the things I've thought about is you & dad. How I wouldn't have asked for any other parents. How if I could have picked my own, I would have picked you & dad. You are more like God than you think you are."
As it turns out, I don't like 3 of my children very much right now. And that's ok. Because of the discipline that must follow, they aren't going to like me either. But just like with the oldest, I love them always. I discipline them because I love them.
So that night, after a broken heart, not only the result of my children's actions, but also of my own, God used my oldest to remind me how great His faithfulness is because he sees me for who I long to be. And because he was once their age too.
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