I Will See you In The Morning

Growing up going to church with my future husband has been one of the biggest blessings I experienced in all my life. Sure, we didn't really hit it off for years, but at God's perfect timing, I have to confess that it was HIS EYE that caught a glimpse of the nerdy girl in the group. But that's a story for a different time. 

If you didn't know anything else about Brian, you would need to know that he LOVES to sing. Over the past few days though, the gift that God has given him would be put to its hardest test as he would sing his momma Home. 

She loved to hear him sing. Yesterday, in fact, they may have drifted from worship to "Ob-la-di ob-la-da..." Man, she loved the Beatles almost as much as she loved him. 😉

I've spent much of the past few days sitting quietly, watching grief and sorrow wash over some of the people I love most in this world and reflecting. What are the right words? Are there words at all? How do you even begin to honor the person who gave you the greatest gift this life could ever give with mere words?

Sitting in a quiet waiting room this morning, God gave me the words I had been praying for all weekend. The last words she would say to me, "I love you. I'll see you in the morning." There were a few words this morning but those are the last words she whispered in my ear. 

There is nothing easy about the death of a loved one. Sights, sounds, and events would flood back to my mind as they were experienced anew and differently. God's grace, mercy and goodness shone through the darkest moments again just as the glitter I dropped out off my pockets would on the floor everywhere our feet went. But those are not my stories to tell either. 

What I can tell you is that "No More Night" is one of the greatest songs Brian Foster has ever sung. Its chorus is based on Revelation 21. Revelation 21:22‭-‬25 says:

I did not see a temple in the city, because the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp. The nations will walk by its light, and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it. On no day will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there.

Without either of us knowing, she had stated the simple truth - She will see me in the morning. 

I don't know how Heaven time works but I do know that we will see her again soon. One day, we will also close our eyes here and open them as Jesus takes our hand and walks us down the roads that glimmer and shine just exactly like the glitter we would catch glimpses of today. 

I pray she knew how much I loved her. How the flowers I'd send to her office on his birthdays were a small token of the gratitude my heart felt. How she gave me her son, like I'm how giving mine away now. How her unselfishness in that would give me four amazing kids that would lead to three more amazing daughters. How I will teach her great grandchildren about how much she loved Jesus one day. 

But for tonight, our hearts linger behind our minds a little. We know that there's no pain. There's no night. Only being with Jesus forever. 

I'll see you in the morning, mom. It's good. 

Spiritual ADHD

Our lives provide repeated opportunities to recognize our weaknesses and depend on Jesus's strength. 

One sentence. Sometimes that's all it takes. 

As I sat in the middle of our bed, surrounded by clipboards, commentaries, notebooks and Bibles preparing for the lesson I would teach Monday night, that sentence caught me up short. In looking for an illustration for my students, "Be vulnerable" kept coming back to my heart. 

Be. 

Vunerable. 

The two words that strike fear into the heart of all mankind. No one wants anyone to air their dirty laundry for the amusement of others. Why, then, would one willingly air out their own? 

The simple answer? To connect with others. To demonstrate the "me too" that cries out when we see others struggling. To offer healing and a testimony of God's faithfulness in the middle of their hurt. To meet them where they are, just like Jesus will. 

When I began this blog in June 2015, it quickly became the window into our journey in the caregiving to my Mawmaw. But the title was something I had grappled with for months leading up to her fall. 

"Spiritual ADHD" is my confession that so many times my view of God's faithfulness, my trust in His provision, my awareness of His working in my life is largely affected by external factors. My focus, like that of our four ADHD kids, bounces around, distracted by "shiny objects" or dark clouds that beckon my attention. The depth of my faith and steadiness of my heart ebbs and flows with the waves of the storms that breech my horizon. I suspect I'm not alone. 

Through a series of events, detailed in a social media post, I shared in October that over the course of a week, we managed to lose three running vehicles and nearly lost the lone surviving one that we had. Suspecting theft and after dark tampering with those vehicles, we were quickly losing sight of any goodness around us. But the tipping point came when a report was made involving a member of our family, a squirrel raised from 3wks old that God had used to breathe life back into my existence during the darkness of clinical depression. Arrangements would have to be made for our Chuckie or euthanasia would become his fate at the hand of the state. All faith in humanity dashed, we could have simply packed all of our shmoopies up and become hermits to protect ourselves from further hurt and harm. To say that our spiritual outlook was bleak would definitely be an understatement. 

Days would roll on as, not unlike Job, we would question, confident that God is big enough for our questions - But we've been obedient! We've paid all of our own bills, even when it was hard and others would not. We've even paid other's bills. We've taken care of others in need and shared everything You've given us. We've followed Your path for our lives, even when the way was unsure and thorns covered the way. We've loved unconditionally and been broken for people that You love. Why are YOU allowing all of this to happen? What more could we do? 

As a single income, blue collar family, the loss of the vehicles was a devastating blow. 

Until. 

Two weeks after the detailed post, just begging to be left alone, there would be another knock at the door. My spiritual ADHD in high gear and with our eyes off of Jesus, we all feared more calamity and setbacks. "What now?" not only played in our heads but came out of our mouths. 

Standing on our front porch would be our "You of so little faith. Why did you doubt?" moment as a person from our past explained that God was telling them to give us an extravagant gift. Though they didn't know details, we immediately recognized God's handiwork in order to get us back on two feet. 

After our company left, we spent the rest of that evening and the next few days crying over God's faithfulness and our faithlessness. This gift was sobbed over, invoked more humility than we've ever felt in our lives and stunned us absolutely speechless. Wanting to shout from mountaintops how God used this couple in our time of need, we also knew and wanted to respect their quiet, thoughtful, timely giving. (How Godlike that I had taught "Give as if your right hand doesn't know what your left hand is doing" that very night.)

Through their sacrifice, we were not only able to replace an entire engine and get a vehicle running but were able to give to others, quietly, thoughtfully, secretly. We became merely conduits of God's faithfulness. My spiritual ADHD, again affected by external circumstances, was refocused as Jesus took my hand and lifted me from sinking in the waves. 

Our lives provide repeated opportunities to recognize our weaknesses and depend on Jesus's strength. 

One of my greatest weaknesses is allowing my spiritual ADHD to rule over my focus. The repeated opportunities I'm given to recognize this give me only one place to turn - Jesus. He gives strength in our weakness. He provides for our physical and spiritual needs. He uses His people to remind us of His faithfulness. 

How often I get distracted.