Seriously y'all. All of you "friends" that have girls older than mine failed me. Y'all never warned me about glitter. OH MY GOSH! That stuff goes everywhere when you have a girly girl! There is no way to contain that stuff after it escapes. It's nearly impossible to sweep up or vacuum. Any air current whatsoever just wisps it away to another area of the room, almost like it's taunting me, "Nah nah nah boo boo. You can't get me!" And heaven FORBID there be one tiny speck find it's way to my bed - hitchhiking on some diligently & carefully constructed card - because that sucker is going to find a way onto my pillow to burrow itself into my forehead in my sleep so that the one morning I'm running so far behind that a momentary glance in the mirror may cause a tear in the space time continuum guaranteeing its secure spot until bedtime since chances are zilch to a billion that anybody will realize it's there unless I turn at just the right angle....... Ok. Breathe. You get the point. Glitter is the new invasive non-species that archeologists thousands of years from now will come up with some bizarre former usage for like body adornment - wait. Uh.......
This year the kids & I have spent 30 weeks studying the book of John from the Bible. It's funny how you can read, even study things, and yet find something "new" a second, third, forth - time around. Recently for me, it was an encounter that Mary M (not Jesus' mom) had with whom she first thought was "the gardener".
After following Jesus all the way to his horrific death on the cross, three days of silence must have been something that was felt by Jesus' followers. You know that grief. Your whole world has just changed and you will NEVER go back to the way that things were before. If tears could be caught, surely an ocean would be collected. If sleep would ever come, surely you wouldn't wake for months. If dying from a broken heart were possible, well, you know.
Perhaps the years of uncertainty and weariness our family has experienced have caught up with me. As I read about her desire to go to Jesus just one more time and honor Him by anointing His body with oils for burial, I could feel myself there. As she arrived at the tomb that was open and empty, I could feel the sadness she must have felt, wondering what she had missed. As she turned around to see "the gardener" standing there, I could see my eyes so full of tears, unable to see clearly what was right in front of me. As Jesus called her name & she instantly recognized Him, I heard my name too. But perhaps the part that I identified with Mary the most was the desire to just stand there & be held, to hang on to Jesus & never want to move from that place.
As the days roll forward in what seems to be an unending season of "night", I find myself having something more of a white knuckled death grip on Jesus, so afraid that my fingers might slip. I just don't want to let go. "Let's just stay right here Jesus, ok?" But just as Jesus told Mary, there is work still to be done. Mary could have remained there in that garden but she would have missed out on the glitter that was to come. Something new was about to happen. She had to trust Him enough to let go of the old relationship she had with Him to move forward to something new. And this time, Jesus wouldn't just be with her but in her, giving her the ability to see the glitter she hadn't seen before. And so in that, He also gives me visible reminders of His goodness and love. My glitter in the dark. But I can only see it if I'm truly looking for it.
I was honestly being a little silly & trying to put a smile on her face the day I texted Aunt S about glitter a month & a half ago. "That our faithful Father will continue to pour out His mercy & grace in the everyday mundane tasks. And that you, we, will see His love sprinkled all throughout this journey like the glitter that's all over my daughter's room." It worked. She texted back, "Thank you for the laugh. I needed it."
But "glitter" has taken on a life of its own. There have been texts back & forth - silliness & pictures, requests of more glitter & less mess. Momma even got me confetti balloons for my birthday to symbolize our newly coined code phrase.
You see, there are hard days, very, very hard days, when I just want to sit here with Jesus & not move forward. Moving forward means more uncertainty. More weariness. More grief. But I've also come to realize that in all of that, there is the glitter of His goodness & love, scattered out so much so that it can't be gathered up. It can't be contained. I'm only going to see it if I'm looking for it. BUT even when my eyes are so full of tears that I can't see what's right in front of me, that doesn't mean the glitter's not there.
Bomb pops. Peaceful conversations with my kids. Hummingbirds. Meds that provide relief. Friends that come alongside at just the right time. Surviving tomato plants. Reminders of answered prayers of years past. Mini saltines.
His glitter IS all around us on this agonizing journey because He is The Light in our darkness. He calls us by name. He even lets us hold on & cry for a while. But when we are ready to get up & move forward, we can see His goodness & love all around that perhaps we had missed before.
