It may come as a surprise to you but frequently I feel alone. Now before you begin to barrage me with well meaning quips & religious advise, just hear me out. Because the odd thing is, when it comes to feeling alone, I've found that I'm not alone. All the "I love you"s in the world only go so far when my mind begins to wander into the dark crevasses that typically stay tucked away from my "normal" positive daily outlook. I've watched seemingly helplessly as physical & emotional exhaustion begin to lead me down a path I'm normally able to avoid. This week has been one such week.
I've always been an observer, a listener. I watch people. I read people. I hurt for people. But rarely do I openly & honestly share with people. Part of that is honestly my personality. However I never really shared with many people when I was younger so the scars from broken relationships in my adult life have now calloused over some of that ability to share altogether. I feel most comfortable as an observer, as the person who listens well but rarely responds with anything personal myself. I can see how my complicated personality lends to my aloneness.
But it goes deeper than that because even when I feel alone, I still don't want everyone - ok, anyone - knowing my business. Really, when I feel alone, I just want to know that I'm seen. Not for who I am to anybody else but for the unique person that I am period. I want to know that the love & energy I invest in others is the same love & energy they want to invest in me.
And so, then I begin down that path of trying to figure out what's in that dark crevasse over there. I begin reviewing all those broken relationships. The ones I poured everything I "was" into. The once friends I still grieve over. The things I'd change or do differently. How things went so wrong so fast. The aloneness begins to feel overwhelming as I wonder if they ever feel the same, as social media paints the pictures of their happy lives & new fun times. To be honest, the last question I want to ask on this path is, "What do You want me to learn from this?"
Then there was this morning. Social media painted an even clearer picture for me with a simple black & white icon that stated, "Sometimes when God changes your circle, it's because He wants to change you."
Oh. My. Goodness! I'm definitely NOT who I've been before. And there have definitely been some crushing, life altering lessons I needed to learn from the break up of those relationships. But never had I stopped to see that the only way, in most of those instances, I would be "open" to change would be by force. Not theirs. His. Only then could I stay moldable. By being alone. With him.
You see, I know that even when I feel completely alone I'm not. Feeling alone is just that - a feeling. Unfortunately my feelings do not always reveal the reality of the situation. They're driven by exhaustion, head colds, circumstances, hormones & the irrational fear that nobody could possibly love me for who I am - I mean look at how badly I've screwed things up in the past. But just when I need it most, there will be a gentle reminder - a faint song playing in the background, a cloud on a hot sunny day, an unexpected hug from my worried daughter - that I am loved for the unique person that I am. Because the real truth is, I have always been loved for exactly who I am by the one who will never leave me alone. You don't have to feel alone either.
For you created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my informed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16
